Look What I've Become
by Therm
Summary: Complete. After the war Murdock is deeply troubled. But it's even harder when you don't know what's real and what's your own imagination.


Title: Look what I've become.

Author: Therm )

Copyright: 2004

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

Summary: Life after Nam isn't easy for Murdock.

Warnings: Lots about mental illness, and possible main character death(s). One naughty swear word.

Look what I've become

By Therm

VA hospital, LA.

Murdock's POV.

At some point, I'd lost him.

I'm not sure when it was, but he'd asked questions and I'd answered him honestly and now he didn't like it.

Must have preferd the lies.

He's studying me closely, hardly even moving the scrutiny is that intent.

I gotta say, this guy is hard work, I mean, he's supposed to help me and all he does is sit there staring.

I mean, I'd asked the guys the what the right thing to do was, honesty or more lies. They'd all said honesty. Well, Face had thought about it maybe a little longer than needed, but he'd eventually agreed too. So honesty it was. When I'd climbed back into my bedroom window and when one of the nurses had noticed me in my room, she'd told Richter.He'd sent an orderly to get me and that's how I'd got here.

He asked me where I'd been for the last six days. Usually, this is where I'd lie. I'd say something witty and playfully crazy like, Billy wanted to swim in the sea and I had to wait for him to swim all around the world.

Not this time, I was being honest. Hannibal said it was okay. Taking a deep breath, I lent forward, speaking in hushed tones, but not quite a whisper. "Doc, I have some real secrets, like _real_ secrets. No games and stuff, No Billy. It's the real deal. I......I was with The A-Team. I'm the fourth member of The A-Team."

I think that's when he got lost.

The last mission

Murdock's POV.

The breakout from the VA was sometimes as much fun as the mission itself.

Face would have been set a time limit to get me out, Hannibal was efficent like that. Usually about 10 minutes, and if he was longer, they'd have to come in a pull us all out.

When Face came to the door, a nurse opening it up for him and resting her arm over his shoulder like they knew each other well, I knew we had to be quick.

"Murdock." Face says in greeting. "We have a mission, head for the door, the others are waiting. I need to finish some buisness with Cindy first. I'll be there in just a minute."

I grab my stuff and head out the door, glancing behind as Face pulls Cindy fully into the room.

Hannibal's waiting by the main exit with BA by his side. There are a number of orderlies, none of them daring to stop me, not with BA there, a harsh growl emminating from his throat. Hannibal waits until I get next to him and BA. "Where's Face?" He asks.

"Distracting Cindy." I answer honestly.

"BA make sure Murdock gets to the van safely. I'll wait for Face." Hannibal says. I only go a few steps when I hear Hannibal yell for Face. The orderlies start to move forward and Hannibal tosses a smoke granade in front of them.

"Come on." BA says pulling me with him. I don't want to go, not without Face and Hannibal, but I know we'll be safe in the car.

We run to it, BA's jumps in the front and I climb into the passengers seat. "What about Hannibal and Face?" I ask.

"Don't worry Captain, we're here." Hannibal says. He's in the back, with Face, smoking a cigar, looking relaxed.

"How'd you do that?" I ask, amazed.

"BA made a robot replica of me, we sent that in as a distraction." I look at Face to see if he was here the whole time, but see lipstick smeared on and around his lips I don't need to say any thing else, BA made just the one replica obvoiusly.

"Come on guys, let's get started on the mission. The Army needs us to deactivate a nuclear bomb that was set off by accident." Hannibal tells me. The usual type mission, working for the military, just like we love to do.

After the team left Nam, they received a hero's welcome for daring to rob the bank of Hanoi. I asked them to leave me at the VA, not wanting to tarnish their perfect records since leaving Nam by assosiating with a crazy pilot. But they'd never have that, so I requested that I at least be annonymous. Hannibal agreed after much persuading on my part. He understood it was what I wanted.

It's sometimes hard to be with the team, not because of their status, I just don't feel like I offer them enough at times, but they say the United States ask them to work for them on these missions and they want the best. They want someone who has their backs and no one can do that like I can. I set out every mission to prove that staement to be true.

I loved working for the military.

It'd be a good mission, I can just tell.

Murdock's POV

BA wiped the sweat from his face, the rest of us casting anxious glances around. "We've done it, it's safe." Hannibal declared aloud.

Ruptious applause broke out as the men around us, the ones who had refused to leave us, began cheering our team efforts. There was much back slapping and cheering. A few men patted my back, swearing that they'd keep me a secret, never willing to go against the teams wishes for me to remain anonnymous.

After the party to celebrate at the White house, I needed to get home, so the president sent one of his personnal pilots to fly me back to the VA. He landed the chopper a few blocks away and I walked the rest of the way myself. Then I climbed in through the window andwent to sleep in my bed.

I'd gone through this story not long go with Richter, reliving it in my head made me smile.

Richter looked a little more composed now. He was ready to talk.

"Murdock. have you been taking you medicine?" He asked, quietly.

"'Course." I say. The guys would kill me if I didn't.

"Do you remember a few months ago, we talked., just after you first got here?" Richter asked.

"Sure." I reply.

"What did we discuss, can you remmeber?" Richter asks.

"Not really, stuff...."

"Murdock, I told you on our first session about the A team. They died after trying to escape from Fort Bragg,." Richter says it slowly.

"I'm pretty sure I'd remember that." Richter was a funny guy, this being one of his favorite games. It makes me smile when we play this game, we haven't played it in a while though.

I keep the smile on my face, the memories of the mission with the team are too fresh for me to even think that it's not real.

"Murdock, how likely do you think it is that you've just unarmed a nuclear weapon?" He sounds mad. I look at him, look in his eyes.

I've seen the look before, jealousy.

"The team are special forces, Sir. They can do an-y-thing." I emphsise, clearly, the smile dropping a little.

I feel a shiver run up my spine even though it's a warm day.

Richter picks up his phone and calls his receptionist to get some orderlies to return me to my room.

I'm mad at Richter, why he has to spoil all my fun, I'll never know. I'll be glad to return to my room, be away from him.

He's lucky I don't tell the team what he says to me about them, he'd probably have to leave the country. If The A-Team turned on him, so would the rest of the USA.

The he'd be sorry.

Richter's POV

Murdock had mentioned the team before, but the latest fantasy was so much more delussional than usual, and that's what scared me most, that he was slipping more.

After he was taken out, I call a man I've come to know well recently, a Colonel Lynch. He had a lot to do with The A-Team's execution, he has the evidence to let Murdock know the truth.

He'd often come to see Murdock. He told me what the man used to be like before his breakdown. I've told him of my fear for the man, not sure if he'll ever regain his sanity. He's visited many times, looking after Murdock, talking to him about the team and other things that take Murdock's fancy. A real saint and not just a military man, a man with a real heart and soul.

I hoped he could help heal a most wounded man.

Lynch's POV

I shake Dr. Richter's hand on entering his office, but although the welcoming smile is playing on his lips, I see the trouble deep in his eyes and know things must be bad. He hadn't wanted to speak on the phone, declaring this to be delicate in nature.

I had come immidiatly. Maybe a certain guilt was the reason I kept these checks on Murdock, as, I feel I'm the sole reason for his admittance into the hospital.

But I swore to myself along time ago, if I put him in, I'd get him out, and I still was determined to do just that.

I sat on the chair, the doctor sitting the otherside of his desk as he gently rubbedd his temple.

"How are things?" I ask him, waiting to see what he'll say.

"Not good. Murdock's....he's taken a rather worrying turn just lately. The whole A-Team thing seems to be more hyped then usual. He just won't accept that they're dead."

I nod my head a little, knowing how much it also troubles the doctor to have his patient so disturbed. "I really thought he started to come to terms with his loss. Especially when we took him to the graves."

"Oh no, they're not graves, they're the 'Statues of recognition' or some other crap now."

The doctor stands up, moving round the room, he's agitated by the fact that he hasn't been able to help his patient so far.

"Okay, well we had the death certificates but I can see that that won't help either. Are there any new methods coming to you as a doctor that may help?" I ask, pressing on with a solution to the problem.

"There's always something new, just depends whether it makes him worse or not."

"Can he really get much worse?" I ask. Our eyes meet and he knows as well as I do that the answer to that is simply, no.

Murdock's POV

I hate the padded cell. And I hate these guys keep talking at me. I can't even cover my ears as they've got me in a straight-jacket.

I'm pissed and they know it, so all niceties go out the window, I curse them and tell them exactly who I'll be telling about this grand in justice.

"Murdock, please listen to us." They say.

"Fuck off." I say, anger clear in my voice.

"Murdock, we can prove that it's the truth." One of them says.

"NO." I yell back.

"The team are dead." Says the other.

"Wake him up."

They close in. "Get Off!" I shout.

"It's just you now."

"Hurry up!" Says one of them.

"This isn't real., you're making it up, they're dead."

"Your dreaming."

"I'm not." I shout.

"MURDOCK!" A voice yells. And things change.

They're looking at me, closely.

"Back with us, kid." Hannibal says. As he moves back away from me after shouting in my ear to wake me. "You were having some crazy dream."

"I was?" I ask, sheepish about what I've been doing.

"You told me to fuck off." Face says next to me.

"Really?" Face nods in response.

"Sorry. Where are we going?" I ask.

"On our mext mission." Hannibal replies.

"Mission?"

He nods, smiling at me.

I find a smile spreads across my face too.

It'd be a good mission, I could just tell.

Fini


End file.
